This past week has been a week of realizations, breakdowns, and an impulse tattoo.
Realizations
This week I realized that having my parents handle things for me isn’t an option anymore. I realized that having something as simple as a parking permit is quite the process to come about, especially when moving cross country. I realized that I have the best parents in the world (although that’s not just a this-week thing, I realize it every day basically). I realized that high school is way farther behind me than I could have ever thought.
Driving cross-country to Chicago from Texas was great, especially with my traveling companion and soul mate, Mr Klingbiel. The driving gave me a lot of time to think, sing, and zone the hell out. Throughout the drive, I kept looking at my rearview mirror, covered in memories from high school. Those rubber bracelets we made for choir that say “Touch the excellence” hanging on a decorative air freshener from Francesca’s that I bought in the Highlands with Stephanie and Bekah. In front of that, there is a bracelet that a little girl made for me at the first every Princess Tea Party at MHS. My graduation tassel is tied on next to a stained-glass looking cross air freshener (which I always thought protected me while I drove) along with a key to my old Dobree house that I know is rendered useless at this point, but IT’S THE MEMS, OKAY?!
Having my car from high school in Chicago is kind of trippy to be honest. That car drove me and my friends to Cici’s every last Friday of the month throughout high school. That car has heard me sing through countless musicals, angsty sad songs, my entire rep book, and then some. I’ve had many a deep conversation and late night kiss in that car. It’s the car I drove home with my mom after my dad told us he was moving out. Graduation, choir concerts, football games, church every Sunday, Wednesday, and Saturday, you name it, and that car got me there. And now it’s driving me around the city I now consider home. I’m driving to auditions, theatres, next to the Bean, along Lake Shore Drive, to the Sonic right by my new apartment… It’s all very surreal. I look forward to new memories in my car, although I’m not looking forward to having to pay for parking all the time.
Leaving Texas with my car was so weird because I finally felt grown up. I have lived in Chicago for three years, but I’ve never really felt like an adult. Moving everything I owned to an apartment with no help from movers (and up three flights of stairs) was definitely a step in that direction. Getting the wifi set up, figuring out where all the grocery stores are (and just going to McDonald’s instead), buying so many things I don’t want to but need to, paying rent myself instead of Dad just handling it online, all of this and more made me realize that slowly but surely, little Halli is growing up. It pains me to say it, but it’s true. And you know what? I’m terrified.
Breakdowns
I’m terrified that I’m not going to be able to do it. I’m terrified that I’m too dumb to actually be completely on my own. I still have so many questions and things to learn about being an “adult”. I’m terrified I chose the wrong career path. I’m terrified that I’m not going to be able to pay my rent in the future. I’m terrified that I’m going to get another parking ticket that I can’t pay for (Sorry, Dad). I’m terrified that I will never have a social life. I’m terrified I’ll end up alone. What does that have to do with anything? I don’t know, moving on…
I think this is a normal thing to feel. I hope. It’s just been suddenly sprung on me this week especially, and I’m overwhelmed. I know I have an amazing support system that will answer my questions and pick me up when I fall, and I’m so thankful for that. I will not have all the answers, but I think I’m slowly learning that it is okay as long as I’m brave enough to ask the question.
Impulse Tattoo
Yeah, that happened. I’d been thinking about getting something to do with Texas for a while, and there was a shop right by my dad’s house, and I went and I did it. With money I didn’t have. And now it’s on my wrist forever. With all of this “growing up” talk and all the change that has come about recently, I needed something to remind me of home and my family and where my heart is and why I do what I do. I want to make them proud (and not feel like they wasted a shit load of money on my education, but that’s a whole other conversation).
So that was my week, I guess? I can’t promise I’ll ever write something like this again. I had to get it out somewhere, somehow, and Facebook just didn’t really feel appropriate for this. But if you read the whole thing, thanks.
Growing up, growing up
Trying things, being flexible,
Bending with the road, adding dreams when the others don’t last.
Growing up, understanding that growing never ends.
halliray 