Growing Up?

This past week has been a week of realizations, breakdowns, and an impulse tattoo.

Realizations

This week I realized that having my parents handle things for me isn’t an option anymore. I realized that having something as simple as a parking permit is quite the process to come about, especially when moving cross country. I realized that I have the best parents in the world (although that’s not just a this-week thing, I realize it every day basically). I realized that high school is way farther behind me than I could have ever thought.

Driving cross-country to Chicago from Texas was great, especially with my traveling companion and soul mate, Mr Klingbiel. The driving gave me a lot of time to think, sing, and zone the hell out. Throughout the drive, I kept looking at my rearview mirror, covered in memories from high school. Those rubber bracelets we made for choir that say “Touch the excellence” hanging on a decorative air freshener from Francesca’s that I bought in the Highlands with Stephanie and Bekah. In front of that, there is a bracelet that a little girl made for me at the first every Princess Tea Party at MHS. My graduation tassel is tied on next to a stained-glass looking cross air freshener (which I always thought protected me while I drove) along with a key to my old Dobree house that I know is rendered useless at this point, but IT’S THE MEMS, OKAY?!

Having my car from high school in Chicago is kind of trippy to be honest. That car drove me and my friends to Cici’s every last Friday of the month throughout high school. That car has heard me sing through countless musicals, angsty sad songs, my entire rep book, and then some. I’ve had many a deep conversation and late night kiss in that car. It’s the car I drove home with my mom after my dad told us he was moving out. Graduation, choir concerts, football games, church every Sunday, Wednesday, and Saturday, you name it, and that car got me there. And now it’s driving me around the city I now consider home. I’m driving to auditions, theatres, next to the Bean, along Lake Shore Drive, to the Sonic right by my new apartment… It’s all very surreal. I look forward to new memories in my car, although I’m not looking forward to having to pay for parking all the time.

Leaving Texas with my car was so weird because I finally felt grown up. I have lived in Chicago for three years, but I’ve never really felt like an adult. Moving everything I owned to an apartment with no help from movers (and up three flights of stairs) was definitely a step in that direction. Getting the wifi set up, figuring out where all the grocery stores are (and just going to McDonald’s instead), buying so many things I don’t want to but need to, paying rent myself instead of Dad just handling it online, all of this and more made me realize that slowly but surely, little Halli is growing up. It pains me to say it, but it’s true. And you know what? I’m terrified.

Breakdowns

I’m terrified that I’m not going to be able to do it. I’m terrified that I’m too dumb to actually be completely on my own. I still have so many questions and things to learn about being an “adult”. I’m terrified I chose the wrong career path. I’m terrified that I’m not going to be able to pay my rent in the future. I’m terrified that I’m going to get another parking ticket that I can’t pay for (Sorry, Dad). I’m terrified that I will never have a social life. I’m terrified I’ll end up alone. What does that have to do with anything? I don’t know, moving on…

I think this is a normal thing to feel. I hope. It’s just been suddenly sprung on me this week especially, and I’m overwhelmed. I know I have an amazing support system that will answer my questions and pick me up when I fall, and I’m so thankful for that. I will not have all the answers, but I think I’m slowly learning that it is okay as long as I’m brave enough to ask the question.

Impulse Tattoo

Yeah, that happened. I’d been thinking about getting something to do with Texas for a while, and there was a shop right by my dad’s house, and I went and I did it. With money I didn’t have. And now it’s on my wrist forever. With all of this “growing up” talk and all the change that has come about recently, I needed something to remind me of home and my family and where my heart is and why I do what I do. I want to make them proud (and not feel like they wasted a shit load of money on my education, but that’s a whole other conversation).

So that was my week, I guess? I can’t promise I’ll ever write something like this again. I had to get it out somewhere, somehow, and Facebook just didn’t really feel appropriate for this. But if you read the whole thing, thanks.

Growing up, growing up

Trying things, being flexible,

Bending with the road, adding dreams when the others don’t last.

Growing up, understanding that growing never ends.

Random Thoughts on the Journey to Health

As a recovering junk food addict, it’s still a process figuring out what/when/how much to eat every day. I was never really a healthy person until the beginning of this year, and I’m still learning day by day what it actually means to be “healthy”. Nineteen years of bad habits are hard to break, my friends. I am not an expert by any means, but I have gotten so much better about watching what I eat and knowing how it will affect my body. However, before every meal I still seem to have the same struggles. Let me set the scene for you.

Pacing back and forth between my refrigerator and the pantry, frantically scanning/logging everything into MyFitnessPal as if my life depends on it, sweating nervously because I’m 1% over my carb intake for the day… This is normal. Here are just a few thoughts that race through my mind as I make these life-altering meal choices:

Protein… Protein… I need more protein!

Is it appropriate to eat 5 eggs in one day?

If eat a banana now, I’ll be over in my carbs for the day… Am I willing to take that risk?

Where the heck did I put my measuring cup? I HAVE TO HAVE EXACTLY ONE CUP OF CEREAL.

How did I rack up this many carbs today?! 

Gotta count out the almonds… 1… 2… 3…

I’ll only have 760 calories for a snack and dinner if I eat that apple…. Mmmm, better not.

How many ounces of turkey is in one slice? … To Google!

Is butter a carb?

Okay, maybe that last one wasn’t real, but all of the other ones are actual thoughts that have invaded my brain whilst making a meal.

It is nothing short of a struggle to change your diet after building bad habits for so long. The amount of time I spend preparing and logging my food could easily be spent just going to the Drive-Thru and calling it a day, but I make the conscious choice to fuel my body with what it needs rather than what my mind wants. It’s not easy, and it definitely takes practice. Believe me, every time I drive by In-N-Out or Whataburger, it takes everything I have to not pull in and order one of everything on the menu. Like I said, I’m a recovering addict.

And yes, I do admit that sometimes I go a little overboard on the whole logging-every-morsel-of-food-that-goes-down-my-throat thing (Examples of some ridiculous entries: 1 gummy bear, 1/10 tsp Nutella, 2 grapes, you get the picture), but that’s just because I need to start eating mindfully for once in my life. I would always walk to the pantry so mindlessly and grab something (most likely super processed or super carb-y) without even thinking about it. If I start thinking about everything I eat, my diet will become much more intentional and food will serve the purpose it was meant to (instead of being a crutch or a social event like it had been for me for so long).

My life was forever changed when I made the decision to start living a healthier life, but I have had to work so hard to get to the point of not giving in to what my mind wants. I have to be 100% intentional on making myself better. Being healthy isn’t a goal that you achieve and it’s done; it’s just a day by day struggle that I’m trying to get through. And I know for a fact that I’m not alone in that.

Don’t let food be your enemy. Don’t let your diet rule your entire life. Make responsible choices, and you’ll be so proud of yourself that you won’t want that feeling to stop. There is no better feeling in the world than when you walk away from that Barbecue having only eaten the veggies on the veggie tray and NOT the greasy potato chips and cookies that took up most of the snack table. Pat yourself on the back every time you make wise health choices, and the confidence you build from that will reflect in how you make future choices.

All that being said, I feel like this blog had no central point except that (and excuse me for the High School Musical quote) “We’re All In This Together”, and that if these struggles are taking over your life and making you miserable, find someone to help you through because I can guarantee someone’s been where you have. Health isn’t easy, and we’re all just trying to figure it out together.

Why “Losing Weight Without Trying” is Crap

While scouring through Pinterest in the Health and Fitness section, you’re bombarded with “the perfect workout”, “the best protein shake recipe”, motivational quotes with pictures of insanely fit people, “ten tips for the perfect body”, etc. While being overwhelmed with all of that, you might come across articles with the title “How to Lose Weight Without Really Trying“. Sounds amazing, right? I get to lose weight without putting any effort into it? That sounds too good to be true!

Well, I hate to burst your bubble, but the reason it sounds too good to be true is because it is.

I am by no means a weight loss expert, because I’m still struggling with it right now. That being said, I have lost almost 20 pounds, and let me tell you, I had to try. For anyone who thinks that you can lose weight without trying, I’m sorry to be the bringer of bad news, but it is just impossible.

As a society today, we’re always looking for the easy way out. “Life hacks” run my Pinterest and Facebook feeds, I see commercials for the end-all-be-all weight loss pill on TV, kids in school today aim for passing instead of getting an A. The same goes for weight loss. Everyone’s looking for a simple weight loss trick that will require the least amount of effort. What people need to recognize that weight loss is a journey and it going to take effort.

Here are a few things I learned that really sucked (that I’m still struggling with every day), and a few encouraging things that make the whole thing worth it.

It is hard…

Working out and eating right is not easy if you’ve built unhealthy habits.There’s no if’s, and’s or but’s about it. Changing your habit of snacking all day and reaching for that soda takes discipline and hard work.

But you will absolutely feel better.

After a couple of months of no fast food and soda, having one makes me feel kind of gross. I had trained my body and my mind that healthy foods are the best foods and that you don’t always have to gorge yourself to have a decent meal. Workouts become easier when you fuel your body with the right stuff. It took a lot of fantasizing about chicken nuggets while eating a salad to get there, but once you’re there, it’s hard to go back.

You will have bad days…

It happens. We have days when we look in the mirror and don’t exactly love what you see. We eat a meal that has a calorie or two more than what MyFitnessPal allows. A workout doesn’t go exactly as planned. We all have days when it’s just plain hard to get out of bed and up and moving. It’s hard to resist that snack table at the party. I get it, believe me.

But the bad days are made worth it when you have a day where you feel great!

Pushing through the days where you don’t feel 100% will make it that much more rewarding when you look at pictures from a few months ago and really see transformation. You change a lot more than you can think when you make that commitment. Looking at my before pictures five months later is such great motivation for me, and I know I’ve come such a long way since then. This softens the blow when I have a not-so-great day. Find that motivation and know that you are changing for the better and changing every day, even if it may not feel like it.

Sometimes the scale will not be nice to look at…

Looking at the scale can be super discouraging. You worked hard all week but only lost half a pound? Anyone would be discouraged by that. You see friends who are losing two to three pounds a week, and you just aren’t seeing those results. It is so hard.

But the scale does not define you!

This may sound cheesy or cliche, but it is so true. So many factors go into actually losing weight. Everyone’s body is different, and you have to have faith that you are changing, even if the scale doesn’t reflect that. Weighing yourself every day and defining your progress by that is very discouraging. Instead, notice the way your clothes fit. That was the first indicator for me that I was doing something good. Step away from the scale and focus on how you feel!

Sometimes it may seem like you’re going through it alone…

I am going through this a little bit now. Everyone around you is eating what they want without a care. If only they knew how hard it is for you to say no to the burger and get a salad instead. The cookies your dad puts in the pantry every week taunt you every day. It is hard to do it alone, I know.

But finding a person or group of people can change everything.

Having my best friend go through the journey to a better life with was everything to me. She was an incredible motivator in our workouts, and she gave so many tips on eating healthier. I remember one instant where we were at a pizza party and all we did was stand there while everyone around us was eating pizza. We would sit in the cafeteria with our bananas and Kind Bars instead of chips and ice cream like all of our friends were. Having a person to vent to when all you want is that Chinese takeout and having a person to rejoice when your favorite pair of jeans fit again is so essential in this journey. Find that person and never let them go!

With all of that being said, losing weight is not easy, and you absolutely cannot do it without trying. But it is possible. With hard work and discipline, you can achieve anything.

“It’s not going to be easy, but it’s going to be worth it.”

Different.

Super personal alert. I know no one is going to read this, but I am posting it on the internet so who knows?

So much has changed in these past two years in my own personal life and in my family’s life. Divorce, a new marriage (two actually), new relationships, new houses, and many other changes personally. If you would have told me two years ago everything about my life today, I would have absolutely laughed in your face.

My life used to be super simple. Like, almost perfect status. Great family, super involved in school, a boyfriend here and there. My biggest problems in life only had to do with school, like getting a B on a chemistry test, God forbid. Then, junior year hit and somehow everything went to shit. School/college decisions began to creep up on me, All- State Choir auditions stressed me out (which turned out well, thank God), I had a lead in the musical (which also turned out well), and then, all of a sudden… my family broke apart.

My dad left in April of 2013. He moved to Fort Worth, leaving just my mom and I in our house on Dobree. We were all shocked. I still had hope that my dad would come back though. My parents went to therapy. My mom was really trying. The end of my junior year had so many good things attached to it: my first prom, my first trip to New York, and so many exciting things. All of them were made just a little bit awkward by my parent’s “split” (not yet a divorce). I would see my dad in the evenings when we would meet at Cotton Patch or some other local restaurant, but only then. It was hard, but my mom and I somehow managed. The day before the last day of my junior year, my mom sat in my room (which was now my sister’s room because my room was under construction from water damage- which I take as a metaphor for my family falling apart as well as my physical house). She told me that my dad stopped trying and that the divorce was going to be final soon. The cherry on top of a wonderful year.

I started my senior year of high school off with divorced parents. My dad moved to Mansfield to be closer to me. I think all year I went to his apartment three times. It was just too hard. It just sucked so much because I based what love was on my parents because for 23 years, they appeared so happily married. They never fought or were cross towards each other. All of sudden, it was just over. I just never knew why. And a year and a half later, with my dad married and my mom with a serious boyfriend, I still don’t know why.

I drove by my “old” house yesterday (God it feels weird to say that), and boy it was weird. I parked in my spot and just kind of sat there for a second. I took a moment and thanked the house for the memories and hoped that it would give the next family who moved in just as much joy as it gave me. I then drove around Mansfield for a bit, reliving memories of all kinds. The spot where I had my first date ever, Trio’s Pizza and Pasta. *cringe* Purple Berri, where I had many a date. Jimmy John’s, where I had many study dates and also rekindled a love in that parking lot. Willie Pigg auditorium, where I performed at on so many occasions. The whole time I kept thinking, I don’t live here anymore. I never would have thought my life and my family’s life would turn out the way it has… And it’s only going to continue to change.

So many things have changed in my life in a very short amount of time. Nothing is better, nothing is worse. It’s all just… different.

Home

I’ve been struggling with the concept of home for the past few weeks. I live in Chicago, but my family is all down here in Texas. My mom has just moved into a new house, my dad just got married and is living with his wife and two children, and even my sister has just gotten a new house. Hell, I’m even in the works of getting an apartment for next year with my two best friends.

With all of these new houses and living situations, the word “home” keeps popping up in my head. Where is my home? In a matter of months, I went from having one place to call home, to 3?! No longer is Mansfield, Texas my one and only abode.

Coming home from Chicago on breaks has been super weird the past few times I’ve been back. Going back and forth between parents is never fun because you never want to disappoint one parent by giving unequal time to one parent or the other. It’s hard to find a place called home when you’re constantly bouncing back and forth like you’re a freaking ping pong ball.

They say “home is where the heart is,” right? Well, I think I can safely say that my heart is in Chicago.

My heart is there. When I’m in Texas, I’m counting down the days when I can go back. It’s nothing about Texas that I dislike or anything, but it’s just my true yearning for a feeling of home that I have just lost when it comes to Texas. Of course, the people and the memories I have made here will forever be in my heart, but the feeling of home just is not anymore.

“Home is not a place, it’s a feeling.”

With all of that being said, I miss my home.

A Cavity-Free, Yet Incredibly Stressful, Trip to the Dentist

Let me preface this by saying that I HATE THE DENTIST. It’s so juvenile to say, but I hate the dentist. The scraping, the flossing, and consequently, the bleeding.. The thought of it makes me cringe, So you can imagine my complete dread when I got a text confirming my appointment for 4:00 today. I scheduled it 6 months ago, and now the time was here. So this morning, I bucked up and brushed my teeth about 4 times and flossed for the first time in… let’s move on.

During the appointment, the dental hygienist was asking me all about college and my plans for the rest of the year. I try my best to say how I’m waiting to hear back from the colleges, like I’ve said a million times before, all while she’s going to town on my teeth, scraping and brushing away. I will always admire the fact that dental hygienists can somehow understand what patients are saying despite the fact that they have 10 fingers in their mouth. There must be a class that you have to pass before you can become a dentist that teaches you how to do that.

After the appointment was over, I went up to the front desk to schedule my next appointment. I’ve done it many times before, so it wasn’t a new process for me. The woman at the front desk asked if September 10th, a date 6 months down the road, would be okay. Before I could say yes, I remembered that I’m not going to live here in September. I am going to be in Oklahoma or Chicago (if I get into a program in one of these places). 6 months until I’m in college, away from friends and family and on my own… It’s at this point that the panic sets in.

I still don’t know where I’m going to college. I still haven’t gotten into a musical theatre program. I still haven’t applied for housing or found out who my roommate is. There’s so much I haven’t done, and I don’t have much time to do it. These next few months are going to fly by, and I’m afraid it’s going to be the end of the year, and I still won’t have anything figured out. Everything is piling up slowly, and I’m afraid I’m going to collapse under it.

What if I don’t get into a musical theatre program at all? What if my dream of performing for a living remains just a dream? The main reason I wanted to do theatre in college is because I knew I would regret if I didn’t try. Well, if I try and fail, then I know it’s not meant to be, right?

All it took was a dentist appointment to remind me of everything I haven’t done and that I still have no idea what my future holds…

I would take a cavity over that any day.

Thoughts on Success

What do you think of when you hear the word “success”? Personally, I picture someone with shiny gold trophies, medals, and blue ribbons out the wazoo. But is this really what success is? Sure, the trophies and awards are nice, but is that really how one defines success? Success can’t be defined as what we get for doing something noteworthy or being the best at something. Success is the result of blood, sweat and tears and accomplishing something within yourself, and the trophies and medals are just cherries on top of the nice little success sundae you’ve made for yourself.

As a musician, I have accomplished some pretty cool things. I was in the Texas All State Women’s Choir and National American Choral Director’s Association Mixed Honor Choir in 2013, and this year I was in the Texas All State Mixed Choir. I am not saying this to brag; I am saying this to simply prove a point. While these accomplishments are lovely, I don’t let these titles like “All Stater” or “National Honor Choir Member” define my success. What defines my personal success is all the lessons I learned while on my journey to where I am now.

The process one goes through to make the Texas All State Choir can be described in 4 words: four rounds of hell. More specifically, the process consists of learning and polishing around 10 songs, and performing cuts of 3 of those songs, and sight reading at the final 2 rounds. While doing this, you are competing against people on your voice part for the top chairs. The process begins in September and ends in early January. It is quite the journey to say the least. But among the tears, frustration, and disappointment, there are so many life lessons to be learned and so much about yourself to be discovered.

So my journey to All State is a little bit unique. My freshman year, I didn’t know what the heck I was doing, so I didn’t even think to audition. My sophomore year, however, I started to think that maybe I did really dig this choir thing. While some people had been learning this music since the summer, I thought it would be a good idea to pick the music up 3 weeks before the competition and start trying to learn the music. So smart, right? No. I did not even advance to the second round. As one of the few sophomores in the top choir, I thought I was better than this. I was embarrassed and considered quitting choir, but God had other things in store for me.

Fast forward…. 1 year later. I have started taking with Raymond Schultz, my amazing voice teacher. I have also changed my voice part to Alto. I have been working on the music all summer, and while I was nervous, I knew I was prepared. And after 4 rounds of stress and frustration, I made the Texas All State Women’s Choir. I can honestly say I’ve never worked harder for anything in my life. At times, the pressure became too much, and I broke down. But after these breakdowns, I became stronger and more motivated to accomplish what I set out to do. Performing with the All State Women’s Choir was such an amazing moment, and it motivated me more than ever to do it all over again.

One year after that…. I began competing again. The outlook was bright. I had done it before, and I was confident in my ability to do it again. Despite a few moments of complete and utter shutdown, I kept my composure. I was also helping others with their music by listening to them and running some sectionals. And just like the year before, after the four rounds of anxiety, I made it again. 2nd chair at Round 4. All State Mixed Choir. Crazy. After figuring out last year HOW to do it, I went in this year and tried to do it BETTER. One year, not advancing to the second round, and 2 years later, I’m a 2-year All Stater. I still don’t believe it as I type it now.

I say all this to come to one conclusion: Hard work = success. I know you’ve heard it a billion times, seen stupid posters in every classroom, and I’m sorry you just had to read it again. But IT’S TRUE.

It’s not always easy. It’s not always fun. But it is completely worth it. The success I have enjoyed these past 2 years did not happen overnight. I had to learn quite a bit about the process and about myself before I could truly understand what I needed to do to be successful. Mr. Wright said once, “The proof of success comes from the knowledge of process.” This has really stuck with me this year because last year, I was beginning to understand the process, but still had much to learn. When everything clicked, the success I experienced truly sky-rocketed. I experienced many disappointments along the way, but overcoming them and coming out stronger and better is where the true growth happened.

So if you want to be successful, don’t focus on the trophies or certificates you may receive as a result. The best representation of success is shown in the kind of person you are, not the things you have or the things you’ve done.

And with that…. My rant is done.

Realistic Optimism

That’s what I like to think I have. I try to see the best possible outcome of everything, but I also try to think realistically. Life doesn’t always go your way, and I try to mentally prepare for this.

I bring this up because tomorrow, I leave to audition for the school of my dreams in Chicago (Roosevelt University). While I know my audition is solid, I can’t help but let my mind wander to other possibilities… especially negative ones.

It’s one thing to be good in high school. Our recent production of “Thoroughly Modern Millie” was great, and I had the time of my life doing it. However, college is a whooooole different story. In college, there are some “monsters” or “beasts”, as my choir teacher would say. Everyone is just as good (if not better) than you, and we’re all shooting for the same goal and will do anything to reach it. As images of these people I will be auditioning against float through my brain, a series of “what if” questions come to mind.

What if they hate my monologue? What if they hate my dress? What if the girl in front of me does the same song as me? What if she sings it better? What if my voice cracks on my last note? What if I forget my monologue? What if, what if, what if…

But with all of the negativity, I do attempt to see positives. I have been working my tail off for months, improving my acting and singing immensely during this time. I also know that no matter what, I’m going to leave that room knowing I did my absolute best, or at least I hope I’ll leave the room feeling that way. And if it’s meant to be, it will be. I know that if I don’t get into Roosevelt, I have other options that are just as great (University of Central Oklahoma and Coastal Carolina, which I’m auditioning for later this month). But it’s certainly nice having a big dream… Something to wish for on an eyelash or when it’s 11:11… All right, I’m getting off topic now.

What I’m trying to say is… I’m auditioning for the school of my dreams, and I’m a tad nervous. Not really nervous. Not even very nervous. And certainly not “AAAAAGGGH FREEEAKING OUT” nervous. Just a tad nervous. I’m more ready for it to be finally over so I can know where I will be spending the next 4 years…

Well, thanks for sitting through this (if you made it this far).

Here Goes Nothing.

Well… Hi… Uh.. Wow, I’m already off to a great start. So this is my blog, I guess. I have no idea what I’m going to use this for, but I’m sure inspiration will come to me sooner or later… At least I hope it does. So if you’re interested in hearing rants about how stressed out I think I am, or my “witty” observations on common high school occurrences, or maybe even some new college experiences I will go through this next year, you might (key word: MIGHT) enjoy reading this. And before you ask, NO I DO NOT KNOW WHERE I AM GOING TO COLLEGE YET. I am still waiting on auditions… Geez, I feel like I’ve said that a million times this year… Oh well.. I’ll know soon enough. Anyways, thank you for sitting through my first blog, dear reader, I hope I didn’t bore you too much. Or maybe I did, and no one is even reading this anymore. That’s awkward.

Sooooo… There’s that. I promise my second post will be better. Actually no, I probably shouldn’t set your expectations too high… My second post will probably be equally as awkward as this one. So sorry.